i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
