update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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