i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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