the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
