I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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