So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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