He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
