Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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