My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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