I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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