your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
