I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if i died would you start the facebook group?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
