So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
