First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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