I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
