Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
