My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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