she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
