i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
