Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
