My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
