Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize