now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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