"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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