woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
