This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
