im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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