He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.