He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize