Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
