I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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