It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
