I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
