my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
