My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize