Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
