3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think my moral compass just broke
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
