Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and she was petting her beer can
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
