Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
