one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was born a porn star she said
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
