Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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