How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
