and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
