my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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