Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
