k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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