I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
A+ Viking dick
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can