I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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