i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Everything about him screamed your future.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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