I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
