ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
