ya dads aren't the best wingmen
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What a dumb baby whore.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
