apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All the doctor said was why
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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