It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We had to coat check the pizza.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
