i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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