you traded sex for a burrito?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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