Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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