god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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