Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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